Suicide Sucks

I'm a sociopath. At least I think so. I'm very selfish and solipsistic. With this in mind, understand that I very seldom feel bad for anyone, and if I do, I'll get over it quickly. I try not to be an asshole, but it's hard for me. It's in my nature to be an asshole...

This feature of my personality has spawned some interesting existential beliefs for me- many of which would be disconcerting to most people. I've always thought that people should make their own decisions- that one should look after himself before others. This has never impeded my altruism personally because I enjoy altruistic endeavors. I don't know why, I just do... But I don't think anyone should be obligated to look after his neighbor. That sort of thinking seems rather corrosive to the happiness of the individual. We all think, reason, and feel differently and we are the only ones who can justify our actions and positions. We do this for ourselves- we do pretty much everything for ourselves (self-interest theory).

I've always thought that suicide was okay and that if someone decided within himself that he didn't want to live, that was his decision to make. Of course it affects other people, but that doesn't mean that his freedom should be taken from him. We are already so limited as humans. I've never understood why we would want to limit ourselves more. Perhaps, it's an extension of humanity's masochistic streak which is apparent throughout history. Regardless, I've always been a firm believer in a loose morality.

"Do what thou wilt!"

I haven't really disposed of that view. What I believe for myself is based off of observations that are solely my own and should not be applied to everyone. I'm not deluded into thinking that my truth is absolute or applicable to everyone. However, recently I've been convinced that I think I'm unable to commit suicide.

(Now, most of you will know who I'm going to be talking about. Few secrets have been kept regarding what I am going to now discuss, but regardless, I'm not going to name names...)

A few days ago, one of my closest friends tried to kill himself. He's in the hospital now, recovering from some serious injuries. When I first heard what had happened, I was stunned, but emotionally detached. This could have been a result of the stunning or my sociopathy. I can only speculate... But I kept thinking about what life would be like without the guy. I spend a lot of time with him and we're pretty close. There'd be a void in my life if he left me. I kept imagining what life would be like without him... scary shit. I experienced some adverse emotions because of this, but they weren't a big deal. I'm generally pretty good about compartmentalizing that sort of thing.

Now,  I was at a debate tournament and was unable to visit him until two days after the accident. I tried to avoid thinking about it too much up until I went to visit him. When I did, my defenses were broken. He was really fucked up: glass cuts, broken bones, glazed expression. I could tell he was in pain. It was very hard to see him like that. I hugged him when I entered and was afraid I was going to hurt him (which is ironic because he weighs twice as much as me). I held his hand as we talked. It was sickening to see him there- lying in a fucking bed, beat to shit, just escaping death. They say proximity makes emotions more vivid. I can attest to that now... I was pretty distraught after I left. I kept myself together until I was alone, but when I was alone I sort of broke down. I didn't cry or anything (I'm not a pussy :-) ) but I was very pained by what my friend did to himself. I felt pain that I had only postulated about prior to the incident. It was surreal and real simultaneously.

Now, if someone as sociopathic as me can feel pain like that, I can only imagine what my friend's more empathetic acquaintances felt (his family, other friends, etc.). I don't think I'll be able to kill myself because it'd kill me (pardon the phrase) to put my friends and family through what I felt when my friend tried to kill himself. It sucks that he had to fucking do this to show me that, but I learned all the same. Suicide sucks, and I'll try to never do it.