Dexter, Lorde, an Assessment of My Ever-Changing Feelings, and Other Stuff That's Caught My Wavering Attention Lately

I've been having a horrible time, 

Pulling myself together,

I've been closing my eyes to find,

Why all good things should fall apart,

I've been struggling a lot lately transcending rejection and failure. So often, I get hung up on shit that I can't control. I let things fester when I just need to put my big-boy pants on and move on. I'm far too young to slow down. I'm smart enough to know that things don't always work out- it's a part of life. I can't have everything I want in life. I'm so selfish... I have so much. I mean, I'm a privledged, smart, white kid in America. My life could be sooooo much worse. I don't like being human sometimes. It's such a drag. I've been watching Showtime's Dexter which (for those of you who don't know) follows a sociopathic blood-splatter analyst who uses his serial-killing urges for good by finding and killing evil people. He constantly struggles with understanding human emotion and pain because he cannot feel it. That sounds so appealing- to separate oneself from the emotional drags that poison humanity. I wish I couldn't feel it sometimes. Perhaps it would be better... perhaps not. Everything seems so futile. I'm a depressing person I know. Sorry, I'd just rather share my heart online then the falsities that so often take front and center in our conversations. 

I think Lorde was right when she asked, "Don't you think that it's boring how people talk?" . All conversation becomes dull sometimes though. I can have a conversation with someone and think it meaningful and then have the same conversation in an entirely different state of mind and find it meaningless. I think I just need to try harder- at school, at work, in relationships, in friendships, in social settings, in everything. Who knows? That's the most unanswerable question in the world. 

I'm rambling. I'm going to occupy my mind with some schoolwork or something before it spins out of control. 

Too Damn Sunny

Though I can accessorize myself however I please- clothing, hair shoes, all that- the weather never seems to agree with my disposition and sensibilities. I hate it when I'm depressed and I go outside and the sun is illuminating everything as if the world is in perfect order. It's too ironic for my taste. It's as if the sun is some sort of smug antagonist- raining down silent "fuck you's" from the heavens.

Revelation and Order

There is a joy in revelation and order. Solving a difficult problem in school, realizing truths about the people we love, finding out new things about ourselves- all these things bring a sense of togetherness to our lives. As humans, we seek to put the chaos of the world around us in order- that order often brings harmony and peace. It's why many of us compulsively organize our closets and color code our sock drawers, it's why we make schedules and itineraries, it's why we keep up on current events and politics- to gain new knowledge, new enlightenment, new harmony, new purpose.

Escape

I'm growing so tired of the conventions of life. It seems that those in power (parents, teachers, governors, etc.) wish to put me in a box. It seems that they want things done a certain way and if I deviate from their direction I am a failure. I walk through the halls of school, a violent restlessness in my bones, I see every sort of person walking the same path as me. Learning about history and sentence structure and trigonometry and nutrition and physics and physiology and leadership and obedience and every other broad subject of study and ethical value one can be submerged in. I feel like I'm drowning, I don't care about physics, I don't care about assessing poetry using a set rubric, and I don't care about this stupid western morality that people keep pushing on me. I'm so sick... sick of the lies and manipulation. I want to live, love and learn on my own terms- without judgment or persecution. I need to get away for a little while. I need to find some peace. One of my friends left school in the middle of class today and just drove off. I don't know if he'll be back anytime soon. I may follow suit. I think I need to leave society behind for awhile. I need to read, and ponder, and search for... something.

I don't know what I want out of life anymore. Sometimes I think that what I think will make me happy is so far from what will actually make me happy. Maybe I'm on the wrong path. Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places. Maybe I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and I'm just too stupid to see the truth- whatever that may be. One way or another, I think I'm going to leave everything behind for awhile (sometime soon) and think about things. I'm going in a circle right now. I need to pull away from it and get my life back on track.

High Above

And once again we're soaring- above our expectations, above our limitations, above everything that they said we couldn't do. They'll never hold us down. I fucking love my life right now. It really is amazing how beautiful the world can be sometimes. There's still disappointment and depression and anxiety, but it really is temporary and every ailment has a remedy- every poison an antidote. There's nothing that can keep you from soaring. It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, or what you're dealing with, everything is attainable with little diligence, indulgence, perseverance and positive thought. Grab life by its beautiful horns and hold on, because nothing is going to fucking slow you down. Nothing in the world. I got my people around me and everything's good.

Meaning

Meaning is as elusive and fluid a thing as any ideology or philosophy and we all search for it in our own ways. Many of us prescribe to the traditions and religious conventions that our parents press upon us, many of us bask in complacency and find meaning in worn out idioms and bromides, and many of us (like Siddhartha) break away from the norm and often comfort itself to find structure and fulfillment. I fit into the third group and I've always had a profound respect for Siddhartha and his endeavors (I mean the original Buddha but we can equate the protagonist of Hesse's novel to the age-old deity without any convolution). Largely because of my interests in the strivings of our young protagonist and the religious figure he is modeled after, I have practiced asceticism before and am always interested in the new experiences that it brings me. The spirit is often moved in the absence of distractions, and many believe that in this time of separation we find the meaning that we want so desperately. 
I've always been somewhat excited at the prospect of practicing self-denial. I enjoy breaking from the norm and trying things that most people don't often try. Conformity is often the tar that keeps us from leaping metaphysical bounds. Hesse's Siddhartha did put it well when he said to his father, “(I will) leave your house tomorrow and go to the ascetics.” I can almost feel his anticipation at the adventure that breaking away from old habits and looking for meaning can bring. Regardless of religious intent, we can all find a soft spot for adventure, that tingling sensation that brightened our eyes as children and inspired hours of playtime in treetops or playground equipment. I concur with Siddhartha in this regard, and when I began my quest to deprive myself of video games I was excited for the challenge that my new resolution posed.
Also there is a definite feeling of freshness that can be associated with the practice of asceticism. I often harbor contempt for all of the meaningless activities that pervade my body and mind. We only have so much time to live and living it in the pursuit of meaning is far more worthwhile than simply filling oneself with empty pleasures that do not fulfill. Again Hesse's Siddhartha said it better than I can, “...it (diversions) all pretended to be meaningful and joyful and beautiful.” I've often found the lies and coercion of admen disgusting because of their tendency to push products that people don't need. When I hear the word consumer, I think of the more literal foodie gorging himself on the food that one eats after their daily rations cease to be sustenance. The advertisers who push video games are not innocent by any means. Video game previews and posters line the remembrances of daily life, as inescapable and resolute as any tree, stone or natural phenomenon. The sad thing is that these games are diversions- they offer no metaphysical importance or inner peace. So what if one completes a level or even a game? What meaning does that hold. I continued to ponder this as I abstained over the week.
I reached beyond the surface this week as well. I know many ascetics (though they wouldn't call themselves that) who practice abstinence far more religiously than I do. I have never understood them and I've always been skeptical of them. In direct relation to my item, I have a few friends who never play video games. This seems extreme to me and I don't entirely understand their resolution; however, I do wonder if they are truly fulfilled in their abstinence- if they've found any sort of meaning in cutting away the meaningless things that we so often cling to. I don't know if they do, I never really have. The following description of Gotama mirrors my wonderment at the abstinent, “The Buddha's eyes looked to the ground quietly, quietly, in perfect equanimity his inscrutable face was smiling.” I often wonder what emotions exist behind the seemingly contented smiles of the pious. I often wonder if they've truly attained the meaning that they claim gives them fulfillment.

I am a skeptic by nature and can admit with relative confidence that I have never found fulfillment in any sort of religious, or more specifically, ascetic endeavor. It is interesting, but nothing more. I always enjoy numbing or sharpening my senses and intuitions- for the sake of new experience if nothing else. That's really all I view asceticism as. It's interesting but there's no inherent meaning behind it. It brings absolutely nothing to us as humans. I'm convinced that nothing does, and that every endeavor that we pursue is nothing but a distraction. As humans we break over the pain and injustice in the world and we try to fill the void that our sadnesses bring through whatever diversion seems the most fitting to our personalities and (most obviously our physical attributes).

There is no such things as meaning, only distractions and lies. Asceticism (though at times interesting) is a futile experience. It is for that reason that I am a hedonist. I intend to live in the moment and divert my attention from the pointlessness of life as much as I can. Asceticism is abstinence and limits the pool of diversions that we can choose from. Given my worldview, this is silly. Why limit methods for having fun? Siddhartha found no meaning in his asceticism, which I assure you was far more severe than my own. With that in mind, how can I expect my miniscule attempts at self-deprivation to bring any sort of enlightenment. Siddhartha's ambitious attempts did nothing for him, and in all honesty, I don't think asceticism has done much for anyone ever. It is just another diversion. That's not say that we should all kill ourselves though. Life is still beautiful at times and that beauty makes it worth living (at least that's my current opinion).

"The web of life is a beautiful and meaningless dance. The web of life is a process with a moving goal. The web of life is a perfectly finished work of art right where I am sitting now."

Robert Anton Wilson

Keep Coming Back

It amazes me how things occur and recur in life. It amazes me how I fall in and out of friendships without remembering how they began or even ended in some cases. There is definitely something sad about the passage of time. We often become depressed when we realize our own mortality and the things that used to be. And yet those things are beautiful as well. If nothing ever died or faded away there would be no importance to our existence. It's true that we often take for granted the most inherent parts of our lives. The resolute roofs over our heads, filling food that keeps us from hunger, the beauty of the sun and its reflective counterpart the moon. When we realize that all is temporary, we are forced to appreciate the beauty of life. Happiness is just a moment. There are great highs and great lows. Ecstasy and anguish. Success and failure. Without the thorns the roses would never seem so fragrant.

It's true that I always try to live in the moment, but sometimes I catch myself basking in nostalgia and I can't help but smile. It's amazing how things are turning out. It's amazing how far I've come. I've had bad times to go along with the good times, but regardless of what happens to me, I know that the good times are going to keep coming back- and I'm excited for what the future holds.

Politics as Usual

Once again, it's time for another controversial post!!!

What's going on with Congress

・Approaching the end of the fiscal year, the House of Representatives was in charge of passing a spending bill. However, since the House is controlled by Republicans, their approach was of course conservative.

・Even though Obamacare is not directly linked to the new spending plan, the GOP is using its influence to defund portions of it.

・Prior to the deadline for submitting the new budget, the House submitted a new spending plan that included two amendments that attempted to defund parts of Obamacare.

• The first attempted to delay the plan for one year.
• The second tried to cut out something called the device tax- a provision in the Affordable Care Act.
• This device tax imposes a 2.3% tax on companies that make medical devices like defibrillators and pacemakers. These companies are all fortune 500 companies so they make a ton of money.
• President Obama and other promoters of the Affordable Care Act think that these companies can afford to pay this measly tax for several reasons. Firstly most of them have profit margins of around 15%. Which basically means that annually they make 15% more than they spend. Furthermore, since more people will be utilizing health care under the Affordable Care Act- white house officials believe that they will be bringing in more money.

・So basically, Ted Cruz and his republican supporters are stalling the government for the sole purpose of delaying Obamacare and saving HUGE companies a little bit of money. It's a little ironic because the money that the device tax would generate only makes up .08% of the federal budget. Furthermore, analyst’s believe that if the government shutdown persists for the next 3-4 weeks, it will cost the economy around 55 billion dollars- which comes out to about 1.4% of the federal budget. So don't believe the illusion that the GOP cares about saving the American worker money.

・I'll admit that I'm biased in the matter, but even though Obamacare is expensive, there is money that will offset the initial cost of the Affordable Care Act.

• Obamacare will cost 1.7 trillion over the next ten years. However, the government will be making:
• $506 billion in penalties from companies and individuals who don't sign up, along with other savings over same decade.
• $711 billion in overall healthcare spending, mostly savings on Medicare (Obama cut programs to pay for the Affordable Care Act... new taxes aren't the only thing paying for the plan).
• And a list of other taxes, fees and revenue raisers will bring in another $569 billion over 10 years, the CBO figures (Congressional Business Office).
• This adds up to about 1.78 trillion- enough to keep America out of debt for the plan.

・But the GOP didn't get away with their revisions. The senate has to approve any budget proposals, and they didn't approve of the Obamacare amendments and the spending plan was denied.

・So the House proposed another plan- this time their amendment sought to cut out the individual mandate that comes along with Obamacare. This notion is preposterous because without individual mandate, Obamacare won't work.

• Individual mandate means that everyone has to get health insurance. This is in place to offset the money insurer's will lose by providing healthcare to poor people. It may seem villainous, but it really doesn't affect that many people.
• 86% of people under the age of 65 have health insurance already and aren't affected by individual mandate.
• Pretty much everyone over 65 is covered by Medicare.
• That leaves 30 million Americans who will need to get insurance. However many of these people won't be getting insured (illegal immigrants for instance). Others will be exempt.
• There will be exemptions available for Native American tribes, people who had financial hardships (like a death in the family or bankruptcy), those who were only uninsured for short period of time and people who belong to religious groups that reject all insurance benefits, among others.
• So... that leaves around 6 million people who will have to get health insurance or they will face penalties. They can either get one of the Obamacare plans or they can get insurance from a private company. If they don't they will have to pay a penalty of 1% of their annual income. This penalty will slowly go up to 2.5% by 2016.
• However, for many, it'll be cheaper to simply pay the fine and not get health insurance. Individual mandate only has so much weight. But it seems stupid to throw money down the drain when it could be used to get affordable health insurance.

Currently, the Senate and the House of Representatives are working together to find a compromise, but it's very likely that no amendments to Obamacare will be passed. Also public opinion blames the GOP for the belligerence. See the following charts:

・Of course there is a lot of uncertainty that goes along with the Affordable Care Act and that paranoia is well founded, but at this point a government shutdown is beyond counterproductive and I think that America will remember the GOP's idiocy come next election. I hope this shed some light on any ignorance that any of you still have. Hillary Clinton 2016!!!

Most of my information came from these sources:

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/30/politics/government-shutdown-up-to-speed/index.html

http://www.cnbc.com/id/101073740

http://www.politico.com/story/2013/10/obamacare-guide-the-individual-mandate-97458.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/05/government-shutdown-blame-poll_n_4045780.html