Life Isn't Hollywood

Once again, I have been hit in the face with the unfortunate reality that life is not Hollywood. I really ought to have learned this by now, but again and again, I emulate characters in movies and TV shows. Maybe it's because I watch so many of them. It really is stupid though. I ought to stop- my expectations in life are probably absolutely ridiculous.

It mostly comes back to life-affirmation. I'll watch some movie that inspires me in some way because a certain character does something that makes him profoundly happy and fulfilled. I then try to copy said character and wonder what I was thinking when shit doesn't pan out.

It's funny though... sometimes things do pan out and they aren't as life-affirming for me as they are for people in the movies. So basically I impulsively chase after experiences that do nothing for me. It's so hard to realize the truly fulfilling things in life. For me they're usually trite and commonplace, random acts of goodness or impulse that hit the spot that needs hitting. Things like buying a friend a drink or CD or something for no reason at all, or helping someone out with a math problem at school, or picking roadkill off the road and burying it (yeah... sometimes I do that).

I think I know why I try to make my life like the movies sometimes though, Abed Nadir really said it best, "I can tell real life from TV, it makes sense, has structure, logic, rules, a likable leading man- in life we have this (unpredictable often contemptible experiences)." There really is something so comforting about escaping the world sometimes, and we often do this through film. Unlike Abed though, I often times don't know when to avoid behaving as if I'm in a movie. Hopefully I'll be able to ground myself better in the future.

An Attack on Absolutism

I don't really want to spend all my time blogging about controversial topics, but the premise of absolutism has been pushed on me a lot lately and I'd like posit a rebuttal in writing just to make sure that I'm clear. I think I'll post something argument-worthy on a weekly basis.

So some people seem to think that there is such a thing as an absolute morality that functions aside from the opinions of mankind. They typically uphold this argument  for religious reasons which are anecdotal and pretty much meaningless (we cannot logically debate using faith as a grounds for verification). They are not really stupid for doing so... if their religion says that there is an omniscient god who makes the rules, then it only follows that there are moral absolutes. What makes them stupid is the fact that they have faith in a god at all, but that's a different argument for a different time.

Absolutists also take the opinion that there is an absolute reality that functions apart from our perceptions and that we as humans use epistemology to comprehend that reality. This is a huuuuuge argument that has several elements to it. I'll only be able to hit on a couple of them.

Though faith is (generally) the basis for the belief in absolutism, absolutists still appeal to logic when trying to make their arguments. Recently I have been challenged with two arguments for absolutism and I am going to put forth rebuttals for both of them.

1. There is absolute morality because all people dislike pain and/or having things stolen from them. 

Rebuttal: Well, first of all, making a blanket statement like this seems a little unreasonable. I mean, how can anyone really say that "everyone" dislikes pain and/or having things stolen from them- there's no way to quantify that. There are two obvious examples that contradict this statement. Firstly, there are people who participate in violent, harmful sexual practices involving bondage, whipping, cutting and other absurdities that involve the infliction of pain. Clearly the people who participate in these less-than saintly practices do not have any problem with pain or having things stolen from them (their dignities for one). They even enjoy being violated and physically harmed. Clearly not all people don't like physical pain. (Please note that I'm not saying people shouldn't have violent sex... do whatever gets you off.) On a less vulgar note, the cutting of wrists has become a bit of an epidemic in the world today, with teenagers and adults alike eradicating angst and depression through razor blades and other sharp objects. I can attest to the cathartic effect self-harm has on an individual- I cut myself for several years. There is something soothing about feeling that you are still alive... that you're capable of feeling pain. There really isn't much loathing or ill feeling in it. Clearly people who harm themselves in this fashion don't resent the pain they inflict upon themselves.

What I'm arguing is that in order for there to be some universal standard of morality (in the realm of the observable world), what we deem to be right and wrong must be universal in some way. In short there must be some moral certainty that applies to all humans. I really think that there isn't.

2. Since making the statement "there is no absolute reality" makes a concrete (absolute) statement about right and wrong, a paradox exists and relativist theory is invalid.

Rebuttal: I'll start by saying that the existence of a paradox doesn't mean that a statement is invalid. An example of this would be Moore's Paradox. For instance, I could say, "It is raining outside, but I don't believe that it is raining". This statement (though it appears absurd), can be both true and valid. I can hold any belief I want :-).

In debate I concede again and again that reality has a general tendency, but there seems to be exceptions to everything. You can say that people don't like pain, but cutters like pain. You can say that people value their lives and would hate to have them taken away from them, but there are people who are so apathetic to life that they wouldn't care if someone killed them. And of course sociopaths and their unusual reasoning create multitudes of contradictions to social convention and general morality (as I like to call it). Then there's physics to be taken into account... Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity opens the mouth of the absolutist wide enough to gather even the largest foot.

I was recently confronted by an absolutist friend of mine who said that I was upholding absolutism when I spoke a sentence that included the word "mistake". He said that if I said that something was wrong, then it only follows that there is something that is right (absolutes). This is the same argument that those who point out the no truth paradox use. If one says that there is no absolute truth, they are stating an absolute.

My response to this is simple. We make statements everyday, and relativists do not make every statement with uncertainty. What I mean to say is that regardless of the limitations of our minds, we still use epistemology (reason) to make judgement about the world. This does not imply an absolute truth. There seems to be an element of relativity in all things. George Berkeley showed this by positing that the qualities of objects are relative to their location. For example, if you are mere feet away from a car, it appears quite large, but if you are far away from it, it seems small. Your perceptions are also limited in what they are able to perceive. If you see a cylindrical gas tanker from the side,  it appears to be a rectangle. But if you see it from behind, it appears to be circular. The old parable The Blind Men and the Elephant is another superlative example of relativity.

Also, we often do not know our own limitations. Recall that for thousands of years people had believed that the Earth is flat (Occam's Razor often fails us). Probably the most harmful feature of human nature is its fallibility. Now, an absolutist would say that the fact that I say that fallibility exists implies absolutism. To clarify what I mean when I make this statement I must return to the idea of epistemology and state the specific one that I subscribe to: Kant's Transcendental Idealism. Transcendental idealism is a doctrine founded by German philosopher Immanuel Kant in the 18th century. Kant's doctrine maintains that human experience of things is similar to the way they appear to us — implying a fundamentally subject-based component, rather than being an activity that directly (and therefore without any obvious causal link) comprehends the things as they are in and of themselves. So in short, I trust Occam's razor in most cases and I live my life as if there is an absolute truth, but I do not believe that there is- and if there is, I don't believe that my senses are acute enough to properly perceive it. It's almost as if to comprehend the true nature of reality, one must possess omniscience. I am stuck in the phenomenal limits of my mind and I will never be able to find the true nature of noumenal world.

I hope that those rebuttals mean something to someone. They're a little convoluted- it's difficult to get all this down in writing.

Writer's Block

I can't write like I used to... I'm not sure if that's because I'm slowly becoming more sane, or if I'm losing control of my most superlative attribute. I used to come home from school and get right to work on continuing my novel. I wrote the damn thing in less than six months- 100,000 words (and that includes two edits). Jesus! I'm crazy sometimes.

Maybe it's discouragement. I haven't really heard much about getting The Crusade published. It's typical though... getting published for the first time is always really hard. Really the only response I've gotten for the hundreds of hours I spent writing it is scattered praise from various teachers who never tire of telling me how impressive I am (although none of them have fucking read it). My peers love it, but there's no way I could market it to their niche- it's far too edgy.

I'm so self-obsessed... I won't be happy with my writing until all I hear is praise and I make millions off of my brilliance. I've talked to so many writers and poets and musicians who are unsure of their abilities. I've never had that problem. I know that I'm great and I want everyone to share that belief. Perhaps it's that self-realization that's stopped me from writing lately. Perhaps the humility I have left is urging my person to focus more on the other parts of my life. I don't think it's cliche to strive towards being a "well-rounded person". I'd hate to spend my whole life confined to one area- I want to experience everything before I die. Still though... I'm starting to hate this damn writer's block.

Dreams

Literally everyone I know talks shit about Charles Dickens Great Expectations. I'm always a little disgusted when they do so, but they have fairly good reason. Apparently during freshman year, they had to read and analyze it under the direction of a fairly stringent teacher. Lucky for me I missed that. I love reading and writing, but I find in-depth analysis (especially at public school) quite tedious and boring. I read the classic on my own time, and freaking love it!

For those of you who don't know, it's basically about a boy named Pip who despite his humble origins strives towards success (hence "Great Expectations"). He struggles with finding work and becoming educated, he struggles with shocks (for instance the revelation of his rich benefactor), and (most prominently) he struggles to attain the unattainable Estella Havisham- that heart-wrenching archetype that each and every one of us has had our hearts broken by at one time or another. The novel follows Pip into manhood and reveals to the reader just how easily great expectations can be shattered. It's incredibly sobering and almost depressing. However, it isn't really a tragedy. It maintains its momentum all the way to the bitter end which almost reinforces the wise old saying that life goes on. Reading Great Expectations really encouraged me to put my dreams into perspective.

I'm not saying that we should ignore or even defer our dreams. Despite the low probability of them coming true, they are what gets us up in the morning. I recently saw the movie The Spectacular Now- it was fucking great, you should all see it.

In the film, Shailene Woodley's character emotionally states, "I think it's good to have dreams." I think that about sums it up. Because though there's wisdom in putting dreams into perspective, just because shit didn't work out for Pip doesn't mean that it can't for us. We can still get the job, the girl, the life. And even if we don't we still have dreams to keep us going. 

When Life Loses It's Luster

When we are young everything is brilliant- not in intelligence but in value... so many experiences are new, so many things are amazing, so much more is pure. I think back to my childhood often. Things were so very different then. When I was a boy, simple things like a trip to the park or a bike ride to the store were adventures. The prospect of new friendship was exciting. God existed and was benevolent. Evil was no more than a cackling witch in a story book. Terms like productivity, affability, and sexuality were entirely meaningless (both because of my youthful ignorance and my inability to grasp the concepts in and of themselves).

Things fade as we grow older. Old excitement becomes a memory and diversions take its place. It's so heartbreaking to realize that something that you used to find fun and exciting is boring. I often worry that everything pure and beautiful and fun and exciting will fade away entirely and there will be nothing left. Millionaires often experience everything there is to experience and become so bored they kill themselves.

Perhaps I'm wrong though... as old excitement fades, new diversions do take their place. Perhaps some day they'll become fulfilling and seem less hedonistic to me. It seems all I do for fun anymore does nothing but numb the senses- which is unhealthy for both the body and the soul.

Or perhaps it's only because I'm in a transitory period: adolescence- in the causeway between boyhood and manhood. I remember when I was twelve, my dad told me that when I became a teenager, I would become an obstinate little shit and that the two of us wouldn't get along. His accuracy was uncanny. But that's beside the point, he said that I would be crazy in my youth but he also said that everything would settle down when I became an adult and that I would be happy and fulfilled then. Sometimes I think that he was right- that if I can just make it into my twenties, everything will fall into place and I'll stop being so fucking... I guess crazy is a pretty good way to put it.

But there's more to life than just survival. That's not to say that there's some overarching "purpose" to our existence. I've already expressed my contempt for such ideas, but I do think that we all find happiness and fulfillment through different outlets. For instance one man may pursue fishing as a hobby and another may pursue golf. The two of them have no obligation to their hobbies. There is no religious mandate that says that people have to catch fish or hit a little ball in a hole, but still the men pursue their hobbies. They do this because it makes them happy- we all do this at one time or another- we all make decisions for our personal enjoyment and fulfillment. I just wish I could find an aim in life that make everything shine a little brighter. Because right now, everything seems to be losing its luster.

Karma?

I don't really believe in mysticism, but when weird stuff happens to me I have to wonder. A couple of days ago, a friend of mine was in need and I loaned him a fairly large sum of money. I realized (as we all must realize when we loan any sum of money) that I can't expect to get it back- and I was okay with that. I've never aspired to money all that much. I mean I'd like to have it, but just so I can participate in philanthropy and buy stuff. I've always taken the opinion that wealth is no more than money you don't spend. Anyway, on that same day, only hours after I had loaned my friend the money, I received a call that alerted me that I had won a fairly large sum of money through gambling. This sum was about the same as the sum of money that I loaned to my friend. Coincidence?

Well... probably. I don't deny that there are probably crazy, unexplainable, or even incomprehensible things out there. I just don't affirm the existence of gods or religion when odd coincidences happen to me. Coincidences aren't really illogical. Mathematics shows us that it is highly improbable for me to both commit an act of altruism and make a large sum of money within a few hours. But just because something is improbable does not make it impossible. Only impossible things (if they happen and they don't) require supernatural causes. But still... I wonder, and Hinduism would definitely be my choice of religion if I wanted one of them to be real. I would either reincarnate as a horse, a Great Dane, or Joel Mchale.

The Psyche's Contagion

It amazes me how easily the mind is corrupted by depression. Everything can be going along just fine and there are no obvious reasons to feel like shit and yet all of a sudden- you feel like shit. It's so crazy. Psychologists have tried to explain away depression and other mental disabilities by linking them to hormones and brain receptors, but I feel that such diseases wreak havoc on a much deeper metaphysical level that we have no hope of quantifying.

It blows me away how I can be doing fine and then have my whole day fucked up by one stupid little thing that irritates me. It's beyond comprehension! Or how I can be doing fine and then hear that a friend is going through a rough time and fall into gloom and melancholy. That's why I only watch sad movies when I'm sad- because I'd rather not think about committing suicide all day because fucking Neil had to kill himself!

Maybe it's just me (quite often that seems to be the case). Maybe I'm just overly sensitive and little, stupid things get to me when they shouldn't. I really doubt it though. A lot of my friends have been going through the same kind of stuff lately- depression and angst brought on suddenly without much cause and what not. Maybe we're just young. I really doubt it though because it seems that adults struggle as well. Maybe it's just a part of life that we have to live with, as inevitable and typical as the rising sun, or the changing seasons, or death. Ya, it's probably that. I'm going to go watch Dead Poets Society again...

Rain

I don't know about any of you, but I'm loving this weather. I don't know what it is about rain that people associate with depression or melancholy. Rain is revitalizing, it provides nutrients to plants, removes allergens and dust from the air, cleans the grime off of buildings and streets, and serves as a romantic backdrop in several popular movies whose activities (when emulated) can yield life-affirming results.

I Need to Be a Better Person

I am such a fucking dick sometimes. I really am. There are times that I don't think so- that I'm complacent and content with who I am as a person. There are times that I know I'm being a dick and just don't care. And there are times that I force myself to be a dick because it's often easier to make it in this world as an asshole.

It's just so much easier to scoff at the world- so much easier to be apathetic and uncaring- to defiantly blow smoke in the eyes of the people who actually care and are sensitive. That is one thing that I am most definitely not: sensitive. Earlier today, I was bitching about religion and theodicy and accidentally offended one of my friends who (it turns out) is a Mormon. I do this all the time. I tease and make fun of people who are different than me (sometimes knowingly sometimes not) and then hurt people's feelings.

That's really the last thing I want to do. There's enough shit in this world without me belligerently prodding and cutting people down. I've been bullied and teased enough to know better. So to those of you who know me, if I'm being a pretentious asshole, PLEASE STOP ME! I want to get better and I could use some help. I face the world with smirk... I think it's time to face it with some empathy, and sensitivity, and kindness, and (if I can muster one) maybe a smile :-).

The Simple Things...

"A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil."
-Ecclesiastes 2:24

This is (in my opinion) the wisest thing that the Bible proposes- which is fitting because it was said by Solomon, the self-proclaimed wisest man ever. The ancient king of Israel spent years pursuing all sorts of diversion and at the end of it all concluded that the best things in life are food, drink, and enjoying your work.

There is something so profound about the simplicity of this statement. We feel relaxed and at peace after a good meal when our dietary needs have been met. We feel invigorated by the refreshing effect of our world's most essential compound (H2O). And there's nothing like the simple satisfaction of a job well done. I'm finding that this is definitely the case in my life.

I have kept a steady job since I was fourteen, but due to circumstances beyond my control (those of you who know me well know what they are) I had to quit my first job several months ago. After months of joblessness (which I had manically spent writing a novel and completing several school credits online), I got another job, and it's so peaceful. There's nothing like finishing the day and realizing that my actions have been productive. It really is the simple things...

And I can't forget the people I share them with. I've made so many new friends in the last year (shit, even in the last month)- I'd hate to add to a list formulated by the wisest man on Earth, but I think our human relationships are just as physically necessary as food and water and as metaphysically necessary as our work. I love my friends dearly and I don't think I could have any fulfillment without them. 

I'm in my Junior year so the counselors are talking a lot about college and career choices. I'm a little stressed and apprehensive about it all, but I'm trying very hard not to lose perspective. I don't want to race through life like a steam engine full of hot air and ambition and then look back at the end of my life and wonder if I had actually lived. I don't want to spend the first five years trying to get with the plan and the next five years trying to be with my friends again. I'd rather focus on the simple things: my food, my drink, my work, my friends, and existence's most poignantly beautiful attribute: that it's all temporary. 

My Catharsis

There's something so cathartic about separating yourself from the world and experiencing nature. I worked on homework for several hours today and then decided that I needed to get out. I got on my moped and took a bunch of random, country roads all over Ozark- I felt at peace during my expedition and for a couple of hours afterwards.

Now, I'm not advocating complete separation from the the world, we can't just run off into the woods and avoid people, and the internet, and work, and school, and everything else that drives us crazy sometimes. Those things are a part of life, and very few people can escape to a life of hermetism (I know I never could).

But there's something so reassuring about the unyielding harmony of nature. It's so beautiful sometimes, leaves gleaming in the sunlight, water flowing peacefully in a river or stream, the soft light that a setting sun baths the surrounding landscape in... it just gets to me.

School Sucks (Sometimes)

As I get older, I'm realizing that school (in many ways) is a colossal waste of my time. There's too much time that we spend just sitting in our desks listening to some teacher drone on. Too much time spent chiseling away at laborious busy work that we're required to do so our instructors can get some grading done. Too much time spent being forced to go to assemblies and pep rallies that do nothing but attempt to garner a socialistic unity that doesn't exist in the real world. "Why am I here?" is a question I ask far too often as I walk these cold, antiseptic, lifeless halls.

I'm not trying to be conceited or pretentious. I don't really think that I'm that smart, I honestly think that dumb kids get their time wasted at school too. If you're bad at math and you want to be a drummer with all your heart, you should be at home practicing the drums and not sitting in some class filling out your multiplication tables. 

The problem with educational systems is that they don't let kids grow in the ways they want to- they provide a framework for what our parents think we should learn and then let us roam about in that enclosure. Well, I'm opposed to any sort of boundary. If my friend is failing chemistry but is good at basketball, he should still be allowed to pursue it. At many schools they actually suspend students from extracurricular activity if they don't do well in their classes. That basically says, "What we deem to be important is all that is important and anything else that inspires you had better come second to our expectations". People don't give kids enough credit. I know some really depraved, horrible, drug-using people, who even despite their rejection of social protocol, still have passions and aspirations. We all know that life is boring without plans for the future. Our educators may think that we'll never amount to anything, but that is never our intention. 

I just don't like that we get force-fed through the system like we do... I learn half of the stuff I learn through self-education (reading articles online, taking online courses, reading lots of books, etc.). With schools today being what they are, one must be self-educated if they want to have a meaningful education at all. School kind of sucks sometimes...

More Than Just Another Day

Another day another dollar is what they say when they can't think of anything significant that has happened since the sun last rose. It seems like an optimistic statement, but really it's quite sad. I imagine it uttered by a dim-eyed working man at the bar after a laborious day, or by the depressed businessman as he hangs his coat on an antique coat rack in an empty apartment, or by the burned out twenty-something working at McDonald's to finance his pot addiction. It doesn't really matter who you are, if all you can muster at the end of the day is "another day, another dollar", then must have been a sad day indeed.

That said, I don't really feel like I'm succeeding at making the most of my days. I need to be more spontaneous, more crazy, more introspective, more helpful, more loving, more kind, more optimistic (maybe). I need to suck the marrow out of life's bones while I can.We all need to. If we don't try our hardest to make our time on Earth "just another day", we're failing.

We talk too much about dying I think. We get lost in the mess that life can be and forget to savor the moments that we have. There are too many nights that I go to bed wondering if I'd done anything meaningful during the day, too many days that I just grit my teeth and wait for fatigue to seize me. It's really such a waste. Happiness is just a moment and that which is in the moment is all that is assured- what blessed assurance it is...

I am sickened...

Pictured above is a photograph of slain Tutsis from the violent country of Rwanda. In visceral detail we can see that the poor souls were violently murdered and then left to rot. The Hutu people saw no reason to bury their countrymen when they initiated the most atrocious genocide of modern times (1994)- reminiscent of Hitler's "final solution". Inspired by racial prejudice and an absurdly arbitrary and selective hatred, the Hutus massacred nearly one million people. Babies were stabbed as viciously as men and women, and their skeletons were just as numerous as the bones of their parents. Women were raped and tortured, their breasts were cut off, their vaginas sodomized by sharp objects- many were only teenagers and many were kept as sex slaves for weeks before they were killed. Some militias used guns to carry out the murders, but most used machetes and blunt weapons because they didn't want to waste their ammunition on the inyenzi (the Hutu word for cockroach)- sometimes the Hutu were twistedly compassionate and would allow their Tutsi victims to pay to be shot rather than stabbed and beaten to death. Hundreds of refugees were herded into churches and other buildings, promised by clergy members and other false saviors sanctuary. They were then surrounded by death squads who spent days hacking and slashing their way through the trapped Tutsis. This went on for 100 days, and the world looked on and did nothing.

In 1948 the United Nations agreed to prevent any form of genocide- and yet when this atrocity was going on, they hypocritically ignored that decision. Some historians claim that the Rwandan genocide was more of a civil war than a genocide, but from the accounts that we have, such claims are shaky. It is widely believed that no country or establishment intervened because they didn't want to spend the money required to aid the Tutsi people. Again and again we can see that human greed has no limit. 

Though the entire world is to blame for allowing this atrocity to transpire, I'm going to spend some time attacking the religious for their hypocrisy and villainy during those tumultuous days- for it is they who claim to uphold high "moral" standings that supercede the secular morality held by atheists and liberals. At this I must scoff. At the time of the genocide, 65% of Rwanda was Roman Catholic and the church had several installations throughout the country. Furthermore, 15% of the population prescribed to various forms of Protestantism. Rwanda is one of the most Christian nations in Africa, and yet genocide still somehow happened. It was even "foreseen" by a catholic visionary by the name of Little Pebbles who had claimed that a great slaughter was going to occur in Rwanda. Not only did genocide occur in a largely "Christian nation", it's (Christianity's) progenitors, the very people who had offered religious assurance and (naturally) eternal life to the Rwandan people, took part in the slaughter. Several clergy members stood trial for participating in genocide because they had lured Tutsis into their churches and given them into the hands of their murderous countrymen. One nun refused medical aid to wounded Tutsis- even pregnant ones. She was accused of dropping a baby down a latrine. Another priest, lured several young Tutsi girls into what they thought was sanctuary, he then brutally raped them. A group of nuns supplied gasoline to militiamen who used it to burn down a building containing 500 Tutsis. They received about twelve years in prison for their crimes. 

It seems that the religious are just as guilty as the rest of humanity. I must ask... What evidence of this grand morality can the religious put forth? If their God can be seen through the lives of his followers, and his followers have no problem with dropping babies down latrines and luring hundreds of people to their deaths, then what kind of god is he? This blatant hypocrisy and how little known it is makes me sick. It makes my heart ache. It twists my intestines into knots and kills my appetite. To make matters worse, my family spends $35 a month to sponsor a young Rwandan girl named Joslyn. The sponsorship is facilitated by a Christian organization that advertises thousands of young, poor children on the internet and allows rich, white fucks to allocate miniscule funds to pay for their "adopted" child's food and basic necessities- almost like a Webkinz or Tamagotchi. A few months ago, my parents made me go to an event at their church where all attendees were challenged to buy various necessities for poor people in 3rd world nations. I trembled with anger as I watched hundreds of white people solemnly walk to the front of the sanctuary and make commitments to pay for a goat or a bike for the world's downtrodden. Everyone clapped and cheered when a church member came to the front and donated $50-$150. My blood boiled because I knew that their Mercedes cars and tailored suits would have paid for hundreds of these lifesavers. How can people decide the livelihood of their fellow humans so callously? Where in the fuck is this love that the Bible talks about so much? When did altruism become so disgustingly convenient? These are the questions I must ask... I can't imagine how degrading it must be to Joslyn to be financially supported by the same religious institution that stood idly by while her country was ravaged by genocide. Does the rape victim curl up with her rapist? I think not...

There are certain flaws in my thinking... the organization that my parents sponsor through is Protestant and not affiliated with Catholicism (the sect that the majority of the clergy members who committed atrocities in Rwanda belonged to). However, both sects fall under the monotheistic umbrella of Christianity and therefore are closely related. In fact, many people in Rwanda today reject Christianity because they know the role it played in the genocide. It's almost like receiving charity from a socialist charity group in Russia after the collapse of the Soviet Union- for it was Christianity that began to rile up genocidal sentiments prior to the event of 1994. Several religious figures (including Little Pebbles) claimed to have visions of the things to come and of celestial beings like the Virgin Mary. These violent imaginings created rumors of a religious prophecy that claimed that at some point (in the foreseeable future), the Hutus would rise up and kill the Tutsis and that at the end of the massacre Jesus would come back (for more information on these events read chapter thirteen of Christopher Hitchens's God is Not Great). So the next time a religious person tries to tell you about how moral he or she is, remind them about Rwanda and that they're just as fallible as the rest of us.

A Note on Format

Many blogs and websites post albums and movies that interest them as they are released. The content of my "Movie of the Week" and "Album of the Week" widgets aren't necessarily new releases. They're simply what has been of interest to me on the week that I post it. Just thought I'd clarify that...

Some Thoughts on Anguish

I have been going through life's struggles recently. I have unending stress from my workload at school, I participate in many clubs that I have to worry about, my family has been struggling with various ailments (physical and emotional), and the gravity of my own mortality is weighing upon me. I fear that my bouts with depression aren't over and that I will have to embrace it once more. As my outlook is changing and my optimism is once again fading, I am becoming more perceptive. Friends who seemed normal and unaffected by the things that tear me apart, now seem as anguished as I am.

Anguish may seem like a strong word to describe our ailments, but I don't think so. Pain is so inherent and inescapable that we would be deluded if we denied its power and influence. As I become more perceptive, I notice that everyone I know is broken in some way. Everyone aches... regardless of their wealth, location, social status, or religion. Yes, Regardless of religion. All you Christian people can try to convince the rest of us that you have "Jesus in your heart" and are "filled with the Holy Spirit", but we know that you hurt just the same as the rest of us. Pain is so inherent... which perplexes me. We are the only species that deals with emotional pain (that we know of). I suppose that you could argue that your dog or cat deals with emotional pain, but I would argue that their pain can't be that severe (if it exists at all) because animals do not commit suicide.  The human species is the only species that can decide that life isn't worth living and put a gun to its head. Imagine a pain that is so severe that it makes one believe that life is no longer worth living.What could cause that? It seems dubious that any sort of evolutionary change could cause it, but if that is the case, I hope that it is an attribute that will be bred out of the human species in the near future. I'd hate to think that my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandchildren will have to deal with the same shit that I have to deal with.

But since I admit that I'm going through a lot of shit, that makes me an asshole. I realize that the majority of my problems are considered "1st world problems" and that a starving, malaria-ridden, armless Sudanese child would give his legs to have my privileged life in America. I'm very fortunate... and yet I'm broken.

So it goes...

But I believe that there is still meaning in pain... or at least growth of some sort (I'm a nihilist and an atheist and do not believe that life has any meaning whatsoever). I do believe that there is much to be learned through anguish and that it (in many ways) defines us. I think back to all of my relatives who have died, and realize that in their wake, I was in pain. But much of what I believe was defined by dealing with death. A particularly poetic line from The Killer's Day and Age comes to mind, "...my spirit moans with a sacred pain...". These lyrics haven't been explained, but their poetic nature doesn't need to be. Brandon Flowers calls his pain sacred. What could be sacred about pain? Perhaps its inherency makes it sacred, or perhaps the artist has learned something from his struggles. Who knows? I'd vouch for both answers. Music and poetry can be interpreted in different ways. One way or another, that line resonates with me (as does the Vonnegut quote above), and they are as profound as anything on pain can be. Pain is senseless and there isn't any way to rationalize it.

Which brings me to pain's solution- how to eradicate the anguish that we all deal with. When I was younger, I habitually smoked a lot of marijuana. The first time I did it, the guy I was smoking with spent several minutes trying to explain to me how to do it. After awhile, he just handed me the pipe and said, "Here, you'll figure it out, just mess around with it and find your mojo." If you ask me, that statement has a much broader application, I live my life by it. Everyone finds fulfillment in a different way. So as cliche as it sounds, just do whatever the fuck makes you happy.

For Starters

To prevent ambiguity, I figured it would be wise to explain the meaning of my blog's name. I'm not entirely sure that "everwet" is a word, but I don't particularly care. This is the internet- a place where proper grammar seldom has a place. I sincerely hope that content is more important to my readers than format. Words are merely the devices that we use to convey ideas, without ideas they have no inherent value. I digress, but the fact that I do is fitting.

My blog is called "Everwet Inkwell" because I can't stop writing. Whether I'm putting together a paper for school, working on one of my novels, or fiddling with some flash fiction or poetry, I'm always writing. It's an addiction and I simply cannot stop. For years I kept a journal, but I feel it no longer suits me. I'm far too narcissistic to write something that will be only read by me. When I had the journal, I thought that someday I would give it to my future kids. This seemed like a superlative idea until I took the time to reread what I had written and realized that the content of my sporadic scribbling wasn't suitable for any child to read, and (if dissected under different circumstances) would likely be misconstrued as the manic scrawlings of a madman- that is what I am.

So if you intend to follow my blog, I warn you. I don't have much of filter and I likely won't use it whilst blogging. That being said, I hope that this blog proves to be mutualistic- helping you by giving you something (hopefully insightful) to read, and helping me by drying out my everwet inkwell.