Some Thoughts on Anguish

I have been going through life's struggles recently. I have unending stress from my workload at school, I participate in many clubs that I have to worry about, my family has been struggling with various ailments (physical and emotional), and the gravity of my own mortality is weighing upon me. I fear that my bouts with depression aren't over and that I will have to embrace it once more. As my outlook is changing and my optimism is once again fading, I am becoming more perceptive. Friends who seemed normal and unaffected by the things that tear me apart, now seem as anguished as I am.

Anguish may seem like a strong word to describe our ailments, but I don't think so. Pain is so inherent and inescapable that we would be deluded if we denied its power and influence. As I become more perceptive, I notice that everyone I know is broken in some way. Everyone aches... regardless of their wealth, location, social status, or religion. Yes, Regardless of religion. All you Christian people can try to convince the rest of us that you have "Jesus in your heart" and are "filled with the Holy Spirit", but we know that you hurt just the same as the rest of us. Pain is so inherent... which perplexes me. We are the only species that deals with emotional pain (that we know of). I suppose that you could argue that your dog or cat deals with emotional pain, but I would argue that their pain can't be that severe (if it exists at all) because animals do not commit suicide.  The human species is the only species that can decide that life isn't worth living and put a gun to its head. Imagine a pain that is so severe that it makes one believe that life is no longer worth living.What could cause that? It seems dubious that any sort of evolutionary change could cause it, but if that is the case, I hope that it is an attribute that will be bred out of the human species in the near future. I'd hate to think that my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandchildren will have to deal with the same shit that I have to deal with.

But since I admit that I'm going through a lot of shit, that makes me an asshole. I realize that the majority of my problems are considered "1st world problems" and that a starving, malaria-ridden, armless Sudanese child would give his legs to have my privileged life in America. I'm very fortunate... and yet I'm broken.

So it goes...

But I believe that there is still meaning in pain... or at least growth of some sort (I'm a nihilist and an atheist and do not believe that life has any meaning whatsoever). I do believe that there is much to be learned through anguish and that it (in many ways) defines us. I think back to all of my relatives who have died, and realize that in their wake, I was in pain. But much of what I believe was defined by dealing with death. A particularly poetic line from The Killer's Day and Age comes to mind, "...my spirit moans with a sacred pain...". These lyrics haven't been explained, but their poetic nature doesn't need to be. Brandon Flowers calls his pain sacred. What could be sacred about pain? Perhaps its inherency makes it sacred, or perhaps the artist has learned something from his struggles. Who knows? I'd vouch for both answers. Music and poetry can be interpreted in different ways. One way or another, that line resonates with me (as does the Vonnegut quote above), and they are as profound as anything on pain can be. Pain is senseless and there isn't any way to rationalize it.

Which brings me to pain's solution- how to eradicate the anguish that we all deal with. When I was younger, I habitually smoked a lot of marijuana. The first time I did it, the guy I was smoking with spent several minutes trying to explain to me how to do it. After awhile, he just handed me the pipe and said, "Here, you'll figure it out, just mess around with it and find your mojo." If you ask me, that statement has a much broader application, I live my life by it. Everyone finds fulfillment in a different way. So as cliche as it sounds, just do whatever the fuck makes you happy.