When Life Loses It's Luster

When we are young everything is brilliant- not in intelligence but in value... so many experiences are new, so many things are amazing, so much more is pure. I think back to my childhood often. Things were so very different then. When I was a boy, simple things like a trip to the park or a bike ride to the store were adventures. The prospect of new friendship was exciting. God existed and was benevolent. Evil was no more than a cackling witch in a story book. Terms like productivity, affability, and sexuality were entirely meaningless (both because of my youthful ignorance and my inability to grasp the concepts in and of themselves).

Things fade as we grow older. Old excitement becomes a memory and diversions take its place. It's so heartbreaking to realize that something that you used to find fun and exciting is boring. I often worry that everything pure and beautiful and fun and exciting will fade away entirely and there will be nothing left. Millionaires often experience everything there is to experience and become so bored they kill themselves.

Perhaps I'm wrong though... as old excitement fades, new diversions do take their place. Perhaps some day they'll become fulfilling and seem less hedonistic to me. It seems all I do for fun anymore does nothing but numb the senses- which is unhealthy for both the body and the soul.

Or perhaps it's only because I'm in a transitory period: adolescence- in the causeway between boyhood and manhood. I remember when I was twelve, my dad told me that when I became a teenager, I would become an obstinate little shit and that the two of us wouldn't get along. His accuracy was uncanny. But that's beside the point, he said that I would be crazy in my youth but he also said that everything would settle down when I became an adult and that I would be happy and fulfilled then. Sometimes I think that he was right- that if I can just make it into my twenties, everything will fall into place and I'll stop being so fucking... I guess crazy is a pretty good way to put it.

But there's more to life than just survival. That's not to say that there's some overarching "purpose" to our existence. I've already expressed my contempt for such ideas, but I do think that we all find happiness and fulfillment through different outlets. For instance one man may pursue fishing as a hobby and another may pursue golf. The two of them have no obligation to their hobbies. There is no religious mandate that says that people have to catch fish or hit a little ball in a hole, but still the men pursue their hobbies. They do this because it makes them happy- we all do this at one time or another- we all make decisions for our personal enjoyment and fulfillment. I just wish I could find an aim in life that make everything shine a little brighter. Because right now, everything seems to be losing its luster.