I've been struggling a lot lately transcending rejection and failure. So often, I get hung up on shit that I can't control. I let things fester when I just need to put my big-boy pants on and move on. I'm far too young to slow down. I'm smart enough to know that things don't always work out- it's a part of life. I can't have everything I want in life. I'm so selfish... I have so much. I mean, I'm a privledged, smart, white kid in America. My life could be sooooo much worse. I don't like being human sometimes. It's such a drag. I've been watching Showtime's Dexter which (for those of you who don't know) follows a sociopathic blood-splatter analyst who uses his serial-killing urges for good by finding and killing evil people. He constantly struggles with understanding human emotion and pain because he cannot feel it. That sounds so appealing- to separate oneself from the emotional drags that poison humanity. I wish I couldn't feel it sometimes. Perhaps it would be better... perhaps not. Everything seems so futile. I'm a depressing person I know. Sorry, I'd just rather share my heart online then the falsities that so often take front and center in our conversations.
I think Lorde was right when she asked, "Don't you think that it's boring how people talk?" . All conversation becomes dull sometimes though. I can have a conversation with someone and think it meaningful and then have the same conversation in an entirely different state of mind and find it meaningless. I think I just need to try harder- at school, at work, in relationships, in friendships, in social settings, in everything. Who knows? That's the most unanswerable question in the world.
I'm rambling. I'm going to occupy my mind with some schoolwork or something before it spins out of control.
No comments:
Post a Comment