I'm growing so tired of the conventions of life. It seems that those in power (parents, teachers, governors, etc.) wish to put me in a box. It seems that they want things done a certain way and if I deviate from their direction I am a failure. I walk through the halls of school, a violent restlessness in my bones, I see every sort of person walking the same path as me. Learning about history and sentence structure and trigonometry and nutrition and physics and physiology and leadership and obedience and every other broad subject of study and ethical value one can be submerged in. I feel like I'm drowning, I don't care about physics, I don't care about assessing poetry using a set rubric, and I don't care about this stupid western morality that people keep pushing on me. I'm so sick... sick of the lies and manipulation. I want to live, love and learn on my own terms- without judgment or persecution. I need to get away for a little while. I need to find some peace. One of my friends left school in the middle of class today and just drove off. I don't know if he'll be back anytime soon. I may follow suit. I think I need to leave society behind for awhile. I need to read, and ponder, and search for... something.
I don't know what I want out of life anymore. Sometimes I think that what I think will make me happy is so far from what will actually make me happy. Maybe I'm on the wrong path. Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places. Maybe I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and I'm just too stupid to see the truth- whatever that may be. One way or another, I think I'm going to leave everything behind for awhile (sometime soon) and think about things. I'm going in a circle right now. I need to pull away from it and get my life back on track.
I would suggest not skipping school though. You have a really good chance of getting a full-ride scholarship and even if you're not sure that that's what you want you still shouldn't throw it away. And don't be gone too long, you'll be greatly missed.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe you should learn how to dance in the rain, find joy in the midst of darkness. The happiness that stems from the appreciation of life's valleys is the only kind that will keep you satisfied on and off the hilltops.
ReplyDeleteI've always told myself that if the world calls you crazy but the world is going in the wrong direction then you've gotta be doin something right.
ReplyDelete