Thoughts from the Last Debate Tournament and the Hectic Week in Which It Was Situated

To those of you that check my blog regularly (if you exist at all), forgive my lack of entries... This past week has kicked me in the ass. I had a debate tournament and was pretty busy (and as always overwhelmed).

Debate went good. My partner and I went 3-1 (3 wins, 1 loss). So, relatively good experience. I always learn a lot when I go to tournaments. There are so many people who go that are far more intelligent, talented, and successful than me. I kind of need that. The secluded environment of Ozark is a breeding ground for my arrogance- a metaphorical bacterial culture for my narcissism if you will. Everyone's always telling me how smart I am, and I often believe them and my ambition is stagnated by a feeling of superiority. I need to compete with people. I need to meet people who are better than me who can inspire me to be better than them. If I don't, complacency will become my garment and I'll never grow as a person.

My narcissism is soothing sometimes though. It keeps me from hating myself too much. It's like when we work our hardest to assure ourselves that we're happy and unbroken when something tragic threatens to break us. The pain and self-loathing come at some point anyway though, so maybe arrogance and narcissism aren't as soothing as I think. Whatever, fuck it.

Speaking of fucking, it seems like that's all anyone tries to do at debate tournaments. Everybody flirts with one another and gets phone numbers. I don't get it. Maybe I'm too much of a romantic. If I am, I should stop... there's no room in the world for romantics anymore. Our youth sucks. Everybody is either a prude, or they fuck around. I don't get it at all. No one has a healthy perspective on sex- at least most people I know don't.

One thing I think I need to try is making music... actual music with lyrics. I've played the piano for years and stuff, but I've never added vocals to it. I think I'm going to do it. Then, if I commit suicide, I can go out listening to a record that I produced myself and everyone can say, "T. Ryan Sparks, that guy was a narcissist to the very end".